


What Do You Mean You Don't Have That In America?!

by 2ni



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Camping, M/M, New Zealand, anti america, its pretty gay tbh but who here is surprised lmao, pro new zealand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 16:30:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3256724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2ni/pseuds/2ni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake, who lives in New Zealand, is visited by his internet pals Dirk, Roxy, and Jane and they go camping. The title is probably a better summary than the summary lmao.</p>
<p>There is quite a bit of (terrible) humour but this is no crack I promise. I take dirkjake way too seriously for that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Do You Mean You Don't Have That In America?!

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could say this was unbeta-ed for the pun but, sadly, this was beta-ed by my pal Will aka autisticdirkstrider.tumblr.com  
> And who am I if not a shameless self-promoter, so pls pls pls follow me at literalaradia.tumblr.com  
> Also, please comment and share with your friends I s2g

The windows were all rolled down, letting in both the warm humidity and the cool breeze of the wind. In the back of your car, Jane’s head was resting on Roxy’s shoulder as she slept peacefully, while Roxy herself was busy on her iPhone, taking as many pictures as possible - both selfies of her and Jane, and of the view outside; the endless green of fields and mountains, that were probably so foreign to her, so different to her and Jane’s typical New York scenery.

Dirk was in the front with you, staring out the window as the four of you sat in silence. You drove with a constant toothy grin on your face. Strider was probably not used to the New Zealand view either, considering he lived in Texas, but you were (not so secretly) hoping that he (and the rest of your pals!) would really enjoy it.

It was your country, after all, and these were your best friends. You met their already established ‘group’ online when you were all 12, and at 16 you got to see them for the first time face-to-face when you went to America, three years ago. But now is the second time, and they’re in your terrain and it is time to impress! And what would be a better way to introduce them to New Zealand than to go camping!

A loud sigh is heard, drawing you out of your thoughts, and you didn’t even have to turn your head to tell it was Roxy.

“Jake! We should stop for ice-cream. I still haven’t tried that hokey-pokey you told me about!”

You go to answer, but you’re interrupted by Dirk, who turns to face her, holding up his phone, which was doubling up as a GPS.

“We’ve been travelling for hours, and we’re no more than twenty minutes away. Also, we stopped for ice cream an hour or so ago. We’re not stopping.”

“They didn’t have hokey-pokey, though,” she huffs.

You look up in the rear view mirror to see Lalonde pouting at the two of you, and Jane beginning to wake up.

“C’mon, Jakey, please let us stop?”

“Sorry, Rox, Dirk’s right; we’re nearly there!” You don’t miss Dirk’s look of triumph.

“Hrm? We’re nearly there?” Jane asks, voice filled with sleep.

“Yeah,” Roxy tells her, petting her hair. “But I was just sayin’ that we should get some ice cream. I mean, we literally just entered a small town right now, and it’s so hot, oh my God I’m seriously dying here.”

“It’s not hot,” Dirk tells her. “You’re just weak.”

“Wait, we’re in a town?” Jane, for some reason, pipes up with excitement, and gets off Roxy’s shoulder to look out the window.

“Just a small one,” you tell her. Meanwhile, Roxy glares at the back of Dirk’s head.

“See, even Janey’s wanting some ice cream,” she says. “And you live in Texas, what would you know about heat, ya dingus.”

Dirk goes to respond, but he’s interrupted by Jane.

“If you look to the right,” Jane says, indicating to a small cemetery. “You’ll see the dead centre of Te Puke!”

The entire car groans, but it’s followed by you having to slow the car down because you’re laughing so much and you don’t really want to crash, your vision blurred by the tears that are beginning to fall down your cheeks.

Jane’s laughing, too, and she’s so proud of herself, and you know that, despite groaning, Roxy and Dirk found it a little funny.

Oh, and sure, you found it funny, but you’re not laughing entirely at the joke itself.

“Wait,” Roxy says, while you’re trying to steady your breathing. “This town is called ‘teh puke’? That’s so weird, holy shit.”

Dirk is looking at you, concerned, but you manage to finally stop laughing.

“No, it’s ‘Te Pu-ke’! Oh, golly, that’s quite the hilarious mishap of pronounciation!”

“What, really?” Jane asks.

“Yep! It’s Maori!”

“Ah, I see. Sorry for butchering your people’s language,” she says. “What does it mean?”

“Uh,” you think for a moment before shrugging. “No bloody clue… The Ship? The Hill? I think? I’m sorry, I’m not sure.”

This time it’s Dirk who speaks. “I thought you spoke Maori?”

“Well, I learnt it as a second language in school and stuff, my Grandma made me, but I never got the hang of it,” you reply. “What made you think that, old chap?”

You’re positive that his eyes dart away, even though you’re watching the road. After giving a small cough, he responds.

“You, uh, told me.”

You try to think back to whatever conversation you two might have had to reveal this, but you can’t. Not surprising, though, as your memory isn’t exactly top-notch.

“When was this?” you ask.

Another cough. “Maybe a year or so ago? You were gushing about how you were so excited about this chick called Aranea…”

Oh, yeah! The memory comes back to you, but…

“Dirk, that was when I was 14… Like, four, five years ago…”

The car goes silent and after about 4.13 seconds, you’ve already found it too uncomfortable for your liking.

Time to change the conversation! Besides, Dirk remembering all that probably shouldn’t have been weird at all; he did have a freakishly good mind and memory, and it definitely wasn’t the first time he remembered a small detail about you like that. Nonetheless, awkward situations are a definite no-go in your four day camping trip New Zealand experience!

“I’m so happy to see you all again!” You sigh, “It’s nearly unbelievable to see you here in New Zealand! Just, wow! Words cannot describe how overjoyed I am right now! And I’ve only seen you for, like, a few hours! Just think of all the fun we will be having this weekend!”

“Hells yeah we will!” Roxy hoots.

A mere fifteen minutes pass and the four of you reach your destination.

It’s an actual campsite, instead of your original plan to take them out into a forest in the middle of nowhere (due to disagreements from your friends) - although this place, too, almost qualifies as the middle of nowhere.

It’s a pretty neat place, actually, with a large lake that is right next to, not one, but two beaches. The area was mainly flat, minus some large hills and mountains that crippled your reception (also, in the distance was an actual volcano!) 

You park your car and you (and Roxy, as she wanted to stretch her legs) momentarily excuse yourself so you can sign yourself in at the reception, which doubled as a small dairy and necessity store, and you bought a couple of keys for the campsite restrooms. The two of you got back in the green wagon and then drove to your favourite spot in the campsite; by the lake, not to far from the restrooms and with a splendid view.

“Righty-hoo! It seems that we have finally arrived!” You state cheerfully. The passengers stretch as they exit the car.

Jane declares that you should all probably begin setting up camp, and starts by opening the boot, getting out the two large tent-bags.

“Alright, obviously we should set up the tents first. Let’s put one there, and the other can go over there…” she continues rattling off instructions and orders, before finally asking “Okay, so where are the tent instructions.”

You laugh. “No one uses instructions for tents! They’re simple enough, I’ve done loads!”

Roxy smiles like that was exactly what she was hoping to hear.

“Exactly what he said! C’mon, Janey, tents are easy-peasy, right? I’m sure these very cute boys know what they’re doing,” Lalonde says before whispering, not so quietly, “Plus we get to watch the view - an’ by ‘view’ I mean butts, girl. Butts and muscles!”

Jane looks like she’s going to disagree, but instead shrugs and pulls a couple of chairs out of the car, and Roxy needs no invitation before sitting on the one next to her.

“I’m sure you guys have got this,” Crocker says with a toothy grin.

You were sure yourself that you had got this, too, but after longer than Dirk would like to admit, the poor sod had accomplished nothing more than getting out the tent parts and foolishly mixing them, getting them confused. Oh, sure, you weren’t lying when you said you knew what you were doing, but as you were laughing your arse off on the ground, you were certainly in no state to help.

Roxy rolled her eyes and got up, cracking her knuckles.

“For fuck’s sake, if ya want something done ya gotta do it yourself.”

The two girls ended up doing most of the work, although you did help quite a bit, and, soon enough the job was done! Stood before you were two finely set up tents.

“I guess the next step is to decide who sleeps in which tent,” Jane announces.

You nod. “Well, Jane, I do suppose you’re right! Unless any of you chums o’ mine oppose, of course, I do believe we should split in the traditional boy-girl division.”

Roxy gives you a look that can only be described as knowing, followed by a wink that you can’t for the life of you understand the meaning behind.

“Sure, Jakey,” she tells you. “I’ll pair up with Janey and you with Dirk… For traditional reasons.” She winks again and laughs, her dyed-pink hair bouncing playfully.

You look to your other two pals to see if they’re in on whatever joke Roxy is making, but Dirk isn’t paying attention, and Jane is now back at the wagon, frowning, looking for something.

You shrug it off and change topic.

“Jane, what is it that you’re looking for?”

“Your stretchers,” she tells you. “Where are they?”

Now it is you who’s frowning.

“How should I know?”

“What do you mean, ‘how should I know’?”

“Well, you brought them.”

She sighs. “I said your stretchers; yours and Dirk’s, not ours.”

Oh. “Uh, do correct me if I am mistaken, but weren’t you meant to be bringing the stretchers?”

Everyone’s gaze turns to you.

“Why would we bring your stretchers?” Jane asks.

You gulp. “Well, we talked about this, Jane… You said not to worry about bringing stretchers because you girls had ‘got it sorted’…”

Roxy whacked you. “Ya idiot, we said we’d bring stretchers for ourselves and you didn’t need to worry about us!”

You look to Jane for the confirmation you know you’ll be getting. She sighs and shrugs.

“She’s right, Jake…”

Dirk speaks up.

“What the hell? Jake, you told me you were, and I’m quoting here,” he puts on a mockery of your way of speaking as he continues. “’As sure as a fellow can be, Strider, you don’t need to bring something to sleep on, as the ladies have it sorted’!” He stops the ridiculous accent and turns to Roxy, pointing angrily. “And you, Roxy! You told me that there was no need to bring my mattress!”

Uh-oh. The lad is tired, probably from the jet-lag, the long car trip, and the intense amount of sunlight. You speak quickly and nervously, hoping to resolve the situation.

“Blimey! Well, there is no need to panic, get angry, or lose our heads! You gals can use your stretchers and Strider and I can sleep on the floor! It’s not that uncomfortable; there’s quite the amount of grass under the tent, plus we have a rather great amount of pillows and blankets. I’ve done it all the time! So, yeah! What do you say, old chap?”

He nods, sceptical, and you pull him close and put your arm around his shoulder - in a totally friendly and platonic way! He seems to relax and yet tense at the same time, which is weird, but it’s better than him angry or disgruntled!

“It’ll be a jolly good time, I swear. I’ll even let you pick which side you want to sleep on!”

“If you say so,” he says, giving a forced smile (this is an oddly endearing thing he does, as he’s not exactly an emotive person, but he wants you to know that he’s satisfied or happy). You beam at him in response and pat him a few times before removing your arm.

“Fantastic! Well, I say that so long as there’s nothing else we’ve forgotten, we should unpack now!”

“God, you’re a nerd,” Roxy tells you. “But you’re also right. Let’s do this!”

It takes a surprisingly short time to set everything else up; it’s basically just setting up the bedding, putting a gazebo up for some extra shade, and sorting your personal belongings into your respective tents, making sure to keep them away from the edges in case of the unlikely event of rain.

“Alright, so we’re done?” Dirk asks.

“Yup!” You reply, popping the ‘p’.

“So, does this mean we can rest now?”

Despite acknowledging his tiredness not that long ago, you decline his request.

“No! We must explore! I’ve yet to even give you a bloody tour of the place!”

“Whatever you boys decide to do, Imma go to the beach with Janey! It’s way hot an’ I haven’t been to one in years,” Roxy pipes up.

“Yeah, same,” adds Crocker.

You grin at the agreement you have. “Great! Well, why don’t we get changed, I’ll give you a quick tour, and then to the beach it is!”

Dirk doesn’t comment, but you’ll guess he’ll come along - it’s not like he has a choice, anyway.

Roxy begins to de-shirt herself, and you’re about to look away in politeness (and shock!), until she says “No need for step one,” and reveals that she’s wearing a pink and white pokadot bikini.

“Same here,” Jane adds, revealing a blue one piece that fits her all too well, especially how it clings nicely to her - ahem - anyway, she took off her outer-clothes. Now all that was left was you and Dirk, who were now expected to change, only you weren’t wearing swimwear under your clothes, so you inform your pals that you shall use your tent to change quickly, and you do as such.

When you return, they’re all applying sunscreen, except Dirk, who isn’t even in his swimwear.

“Sorry if you were waiting for me to finish so you could change, chum, but I’m done now if you want to put on your togs…”

“My… Uh… What?” Dirk asks.

“Togs?”

“The fuck is that?”

“Swimwear!” You tell him. “Blimey, don’t they have that word in the U.S?”

The three of them shake their heads.

“Nope,” Dirk tells you. “But I don’t plan to go swimming, so I’m not going to change.”

“Strider, even we can agree that it is far too hot to be wearing black skinny jeans such as you are now! So, even if you decide you don’t want to swim, I highly suggest you change.”

He sighs and complies. By the time he’s out (in board shorts similar to yours, only his are orange and yours are - surprise, surprise - green), you’ve all applied a satisfactory amount of sunscreen.

Immediately, you go to offer him some, but he declines, drawing the “I live in Texas, I’m not going to get burnt” car. You two get into a debate, which you lose (damn, he can get stubborn) and, after a quick tour of the campsite as promised, you’re all at the beach.

Dirk wasn’t lying when he said he refused to swim, but bugger it if that meant you couldn’t spend some quality time with your best bro, so you spent the entire time at the beach showing him around the rock pools, enthusiastically (and to Dirk’s dismay) picking up and poking all the interesting things you could find. Strider was a little weirded out, but he followed you nonetheless, listening contently as you yammered on about a bunch of things he probably cared very little about. At some point, you pick up an angry-looking crab, joking that it reminds you of one of Jade’s friends, and that gets him to laugh softly, which melts your heart a little.

Jane spent most of her time in the water, splashing around and jumping over and under the waves, while Roxy lay in the sun, relaxed, watching Jane have fun, getting up every so often to join Jane in the water.

Needless to say, you had a blast! It was getting late, however, so the four of you grabbed you towels and headed back to camp.

“That was so much fun,” Jane said, laughing. You three hummed in agreement.

“Too right it was, Crocker! I certainly feel that we earnt our dinner, and that we ought to have it soon.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more, Jake,” Roxy says. “I’m starving.”

“We do have food with us, don’t we?” Jane asks.

“Yep! I have twenty-or-so cans of spaghetti and baked beans.”

Jane makes a face. “Is that seriously all we have?”

“Well,” you tell her. “There’s the campsite’s kitchen-thing, which has a toaster. I have bread… Beans on toast is always great, we could have that?”

“Wait, is beans on toast actually a real, legit thing?” Roxy asks.

“Well, yeah, why wouldn’t it be? Don’t… Don’t you Americans have beans on toast over there?”

“Uh, no,” Dirk adds, “I actually thought that was a joke or something.”

“Huh. Well, I ought to introduce you all to it sometime… Perhaps now, even?”

Lalonde shakes her head. “Didn’t they sell fish and chips at the reception? We could totes chip in and get some!”

You laugh on the inside at the accidental pun of chipping in.

“Well, Rox, that is a great idea! They sell meat pies too, which apparently Americans don’t have either, so how about we shoot two birds with one bullet?”

“Don’t think that’s how the saying goes, Jakey, but I’m def in!”

Jane agrees with Roxy. “Me too.”

You all look at Dirk, and he nods. “Sounds good to me.”

So you all get your fish and chips (and pies, which Jane surprisingly didn’t really like, but the others seemed to), and the day nears its end with you four watching a movie in your pajamas on the laptop Dirk brought (in your tent because, without the stretchers, there was much more room).

Eventually, the others got super tired (unfortunately, you were still too filled with excitement to be tired quite yet), so you pack up the laptop and the girls exit the tent.

You zip up the tent (the girls forgot to do so), and you and Dirk waste no time in getting under the blankets.

Dirk is facing away from you, and it’s almost funny that, since you’re both on the floor, it’s almost like you’re in the same bed! You’re even sharing one of your larger blankets.

You’re actually kind of worried, due to your level of tiredness, that he’s going to fall asleep on you.

Well, not on you, but, um, yeah.

So, you start talking to him, not at him, discussing and debating a whole range of topics. Eventually, you’re debating which of your countries, New Zealand or America, is better.

“I’ve got one word for you, English,” he tells you, and you can’t tell whether he’s being serious or not. “Freedom.”

“You’ve got to be pulling my leg, Strider!” You exclaim, “Your country is anything but free!”

“Okay, yeah, you’re right. Who am I even kidding here? But, the technology is a lot better there… Name a reason why you think New Zealand is better.”

“I’ll name a few, thank you very much! Okay, first there’s Lord of the Ring, obviously, then there is the healthcare, then same-sex marriage, and university is a lot cheaper here, not to mention the education system is better.”

“Why is the education system here better? Explain to me.”

It’s weird how interested Dirk is being in this topic. He’s not being sarcastic, he genuinely wants to know.

So, you tell him.

You start off by saying how school begins at the beginning of the year, January, and ends in December at the end of the year, which is super easy to remember. You then talk about how you start school when you’re 5 as “year one”, and every year you go up one. From ages 5-10 you’re in primary school, then you go intermediate, and then when you’re 13 you go to highschool for five years. Then you can go to university, which is a lot cheaper that many places.

You go on for a while, and Dirk is listening attentively until you realise he’s not. His eyes are dropping closed and he’s not really paying attention, but you think he’s at least trying.

You actually begin to notice yourself drifting off, so you tell him “Hey, mate, I think it’s time to call it a night,” and you watch as he takes off his ridiculous anime shades, revealing his golden eyes that you love so much, and you turn out the light.

“G’night, English.”

“Goodnight, Strider.”

And soon enough, you sleep.

Later that night you feel Dirk cling to you in his sleep. You appreciate the extra warmth and don’t have the heart or energy to push him off, so instead you lean into his touch and let yourself drift back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> What inspired this fic, you ask? Well, Will and I were camping and they brought up a wonderful conversation starter: homestuck camping headcanons! We got really enthused and I couldn't not write a fic, especially after our previously lengthy dirkjake conversation, so yeah. They helped loads by helping me plan most of the thing and also editing it! Thanks a whole bunch. Also thanks for reading.
> 
> Leave comments below (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧


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